Nice purse ! Thanks. It's my ex-husband.

Camouflage. He is doing it wrong.

Church Mice. We'd like to talk to you about cheeses.

Don't fart in an Apple store. Because they don't have windows.

I tell you Marty, three kids is enough... Yesterday, I had my McNuggets removed.

He is happy to see me. Really happy.

- What can you see, Frodo? Can you see anything? - Nothing ... There's nothing. Wait ... This ring is made in China !

Courage. Do one brave thing today. Then run like hell.

Good moms let you lick the beaters ... Great moms turn them off first.

This is fluffy. He is the destroyer of the worlds. Be nice to him and give him some milk.

Cowboy and the chemist. Cowboy: Give me three packs of them there condoms. Chemist: Will you be needing a bag, Sir ? Cowboy: Nope, she ain't that ugly !

Yeah, it is kind of sad how he plays with them first.

Life of Pie. Eating all by yourself. The whole pie.

Dads against daughters dating. Shoot the first one and the word will spread.

Tried to be honest one time. It was my last day there. -Why aren't you working ? - I didn't see you coming.

He does not trust you anymore. - I'm bringing it with me, because last time we got in the car I came back with no balls ...

Quick ! My wife is coming.

You are sleeping on the couch tonight, Mr President.

Texting and driving. Talk to your kids about it.

For the love of god, turn the page. You are like the slowest reader ever.

Facebook picture vs reality. Check it twice.